Self-Esteem: A Key Tool Influencing Our Everyday Decisions

Self-esteem affects all of our decisions in daily life. It can either hinder or help us build our careers and relationships. Let’s explore how self-esteem actually works and whether we need to compare ourselves to others.

What Self-Esteem Is

Imagine we have an internal compass with two poles: “black” and “white.” The “black pole” represents qualities, words, and actions that most people would find unacceptable, while the “white pole” includes everything valuable, desirable, and approved. The needle of this compass constantly spins, just like slots at 22Bet, leaning toward one pole or the other. Essentially, this compass is our self-esteem.

Although it’s often seen as simply “how we evaluate ourselves,” self-esteem is much more complex. It’s a multi-layered process influenced by the following factors:

  • Comparison with others.
    Self-acknowledgement.
    Evaluation by others.
    Alignment of personal achievements with goals.

This is rarely discussed, but the primary function of self-esteem often lies in maintaining our sense of value in the eyes of others.

What Self-Esteem Influences

Let’s define the role of self-esteem in everyday life. It directly affects self-respect, self-awareness, and, consequently, our behavior in groups and how we identify ourselves. Our relationships with others, ability to set and achieve goals, and satisfaction with work, studies, or hobbies can all be impacted by self-esteem.

A weakened self-esteem can reduce motivation and the drive to reach goals. For instance, a person who has faced frequent criticism and devaluation of their work might join a new team with mistrust of their new manager, even if that manager doesn’t display negativity. This can lead to constant anxiety. They may begin to think their work doesn’t meet the manager’s expectations, despite no explicit feedback, and this uncertainty might prompt constant questions like, “Do you like my work? Am I really doing what’s needed?” Such situations make it difficult to build trust and work collaboratively.

How Self-Esteem Is Formed and What Affects It

Some experts describe self-esteem as a process of resolving an internal dilemma based on the need for belonging. Simply put, it’s about answering the question: “How acceptable am I to others?”

You’ve likely heard the popular advice: “Stop comparing yourself to others. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.” While this advice has merit, the scientific concept of self-esteem shows that comparing ourselves to others and evaluating ourselves are innate psychological functions. Turning off these functions is impossible.

Self-esteem attempts to answer certain questions for our inner “self,” and each question relates to the need for social acceptance:

  • What is my value in relationships?
  • Should I trust feedback about my worth?
  • If my value in relationships is threatened, should I focus on strengthening bonds or protecting myself?
  • How should I evaluate the worth of relationships before entering them?

It’s reasonable to suggest that self-esteem results from analyzing our relationships and contributions to them. This seems to be true: we evaluate how valuable we are to certain groups — family, friends, colleagues, etc. According to our subconscious, this value guarantees our acceptance by the group, and thus, our safety. When someone feels recognized and valued by a group, their self-esteem increases.

However, this type of self-esteem is the most vulnerable. So, what kind of self-esteem is more resilient?

High, Low, Healthy: Types of Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is inherently unstable. Everyone experiences fluctuations in self-esteem, whether upward or downward.

Unreasonably high, rigid self-esteem can be considered unhealthy. It may correlate with poor self-reflection skills, low emotional or social intelligence, and an inability to recognize when one’s opinions or actions are inappropriate. In extreme cases, this lack of self-criticism can lead to reckless behavior, aggression, and harm to others.

For children, inflated self-esteem can be normal, as their capacity for reflection, planning, emotional intelligence, and value systems are still developing.

On the other hand, excessively low self-esteem is often seen in individuals with traumatic childhood experiences, physical or psychological abuse, cognitive distortions, or affective disorders like anxiety or depression. 

Self-esteem can be damaged when it’s overly dependent on external validation. Perhaps you’ve witnessed — or experienced — psychological pressure, devaluation, and constant criticism from influential figures such as teachers, parents, coaches, bosses, or peers. Reflect on how people typically react to toxic criticism or an imbalance between being judged for mistakes and appreciated for effort or results. Often, self-esteem visibly deteriorates in such situations.

Research has shown that self-esteem based on effectiveness is more stable. This type of self-esteem connects to self-relationship and self-identification. For example, if I believe that a good psychologist is someone who references at least one scientific study in their articles, I only need to check if my article meets this standard. If it does, I conclude that I’m fine, and my self-esteem remains intact — at least until someone convinces me that a good psychologist should also possess other qualities.

This illustrates how self-esteem tied to effectiveness works. So, what do you rely on more often?

How to Improve Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is a complex, multi-layered system of perceptions about oneself, others, and the world. While we can’t fully control the process of self-assessment, we can influence its outcomes and train it, like a neural network, to use more adaptive data. Here are some tools to work on your self-esteem:

Adaptive Beliefs and Addressing Cognitive Distortions

Regularly reminding yourself of positive truths about yourself can improve self-esteem. These aren’t generic affirmations but realistic statements based on personal experience.

For instance, the belief “I’ll mess everything up and let everyone down” can cause anxiety, guilt, helplessness, and confusion. What if it’s true? The answer: we can’t know for certain. However, if someone has successfully done their job for years, predicting failure becomes a distortion, like “fortune-telling.” Since we lack magical foresight, let’s return to reality.

By analyzing past successes, a more objective belief could be: “I’ve managed this before, so I can handle it again.” Remind yourself of this more often than your negative predictions.

Keeping a Journal of Achievements

Record even small successes in any format you like — handwritten, in phone notes, or using an app. Examples include: “I did something I’d been procrastinating,” “I woke up on the first alarm,” or “I didn’t criticize myself for a mistake.” This practice helps you recognize and internalize achievements, reinforcing feelings of worth and effectiveness.

Goal Setting

Think about what excites or motivates you or what might help you achieve your desires. Setting and achieving realistic goals creates constructive experiences and enhances self-sufficiency. Keep a visible record of your goals for reference.

Social Support

Analyze your social circle and include more people who encourage and support you. How to handle toxic individuals depends on your circumstances, goals, and the value of those relationships to you. Remember, others can play a significant role in improving self-esteem.

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